Monday, 25 February 2013

The Academy of Haut Couture - 2013

Since I moved out of home, I've not been able to watch the Oscars. I remember a time when I was still living with Schmommy and Faazha and I stayed up (or is it woke up?) to watch the real deal and how long and drawn out the event was with all these random awards happening before the ones I was really interested in happened. 

We've since moved on and now I simply watch the red carpet, that's the most fun anyway since the peeps you want to win never do anyhow, I know @markstry was explicitly upset this morning over Argo's win of Best Picture. Having fallen asleep after 15 minutes into the film I can't really comment but I'm pretty sure it couldn't have been even remotely close to the feelings I felt after watching Beasts of the Southern Wild. Although I'm very proud of Hollywood's latest darling Jennifer Lawrence walking away with Best Actress, I can't help but feel cheated that little Hushpuppy didn't get it - she is only nine and truly took my breath away. 

Quvenzhané Wallis "Hushpuppy"

But back to the lecture at hand, here are my favourite picks of the Oscar's red carpet and for this post, I'm not holding back on the comments on those who failed to impress.

I felt that this time I cannot choose my top favourite because there were sooooo many that got me short of breath I must to start with George Clooney's much-more-impressive-than-him date Stacy Keibler. Ohmgee. This high neck, embellished Naeem Khan number with a sheer back, it just ticks so many boxes and adds more boxes that should have been on the list in the first place. And her hair and make up is exquisite. Me likey. Me likey a whole damn lot. Amazeballs Stacy, #amazeballs. Okay, she's my favourite.


And because I liked dear Stacy's dress SO very much, let's hop onto a much less fortunate number, Anne Hathaway who seems determined to leave nothing to the imagination with her nipples protruding like torpedos out of this bland Prada number. Yuck. And what the hell is going on with the back of this dress? This girl has such an awesome (albeit frighteningly pale) figure yet this dress manages to cut into all the wrong places. Yuck. And the pathetic make up that doesn't even bother to conceal the bags under her eyes? Epic fail.

Shall I point you in the direction of my torpedos?

Moving on from disasters, look at the incredibly sexy Salma Hayek in this beautiful skin tight velvet Versace. She looks absolutely ravishing, I don't recall a time when she didn't look sexy (gosh that voluptous frame of hers has me reeling with jealousy) but she is truly at another level in this one. The magnificent high neck embellishment finishes off the dress superbly. Perfectly sculpted and then topped off with a little nude lip. Wow Salma, wow. Knockout numero uno.

Haut Couture was a hot topic on the red carpet this year with our dear Charlize Theron rocking a snow white Dior dress with peplum detail. I'm rather envious of that pixie haircut she's sporting, what a stunning woman - not everyone can pull of that many different hairstyles and especially that one. Unadulterated beauty.

And another Haut Couture to debut was that of Best Actress Jennifer Lawrence who looked positively fairy-tale-dream-like in that soft pink Dior ballgown. She adorned a Chopard neckpiece that added an eloquent simplicity to complete the outfit. LOVE LOVE LOVE. She may only be 22 but already she's miles ahead of Hathaway. Thanks Style Guide CT for the term Hathahater, I definitely am feeling those vibes. Sorry Anne, but please invest energy into a stylist.

Whist I liked Kerry Washington's Miu Miu dress, the similarity it tried to keep up with Olivia Munn's Marchesa just didn't cut it. Especially when I saw how sensational the dress was from the back. Well well, done deal Olivia, done deal. The intricate detail of the corset and the gathering of the skirt, it's perfection. The dress is to par with that of my dear Stacy's.


And then because I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed by the all the beautiful dresses (and women) let's get back down to earth and look at some rather unfavourable dress choices. Like that of Naomi Watts in this glittery Armani Privé, does she really want to remind us how she shows tits in every film? This dress makes me think of how her son saw her one breast in the film The Impossible. In fact, everybody did so can you put the breasts away now? Ugh.

I could be Reese Witherspoon's biggest fan, after all she married Ryan Phillipe when he was delish-is and left him as he became unsavoury, but this Louis Vuitton is rather boring. Whilst cobalt blue is shit hot, next to the magnificence that is Salma's navy number it is just dreary. And I love Louis Vuitton with all of my heart as we all know #sadface.

I love Amanda Seyfried in this Alexander McQueen dress but I do have reservations about her pose. Your arms are skinny, please can your hands leave your hips? I seem to notice a trend of her high neck/turtle neck detail she is currently enjoying with her hair pinned up. Kudos Amanda, so long as you keep your arms down.

Gawd, wtf is Amy Adams wearing? It's like that sordid Enchanted movie. Vomit. It may be Oscar de la Renta but the colour does nothing for her pale complexion, her hair is as bad as the skirt, her make up non-existent and the corset is ill-fitting. Shamesies.

I really love Kristin Chenoweth in this Tony Ward dress, so elegant yet so sparkly and the nude lip pulls it all together in one foul swoop. Lately I'm loving the multiple layers of mesh skirt, in fact some of local designers are making my heart sing with this look, like this Black Coffee skirt featured in Grazia.


I have to give a special mention to the extraordinary Jane Fonda, who looks amazeballs in this canary yellow Versace. For me, definitely the most eye-catching on the red carpet. This remarkable woman is one of those unforgettable legends, literally. Big ups Jane, not everyone can carry that colour and certainly not as well as you!

Oh the thinks you can think, there's always plenty more to mention but I think it's time to wrap things up. If you impressed you were on the list and if you particularily horrified me you were as well, but I have to make a drooling mention to Eddie Redmayne. I mean other than his skull detail slippers, he is that delish-is Burberry model that I can't stop staring at in Hyde Park. Yes. I stare at posters. Sigh. So sexy.

But as I started with the best dressed, I'd like to finish with the best dressed, and that would have to be Mr Daniel Day Lewis who looked dashing in a blue Domenico Vacca. Third time lucky, the man finally cleans up good and even manages to make his wife look like a wall flower. I would smile as cheesily as Rebecca if I had such well-dressed arm candy on my arm too - hubba hubba.

Disaster 1: Hoop earrings? Seriously?

Disaster 2: That hair. I can't. I just can't.

Finally a look we can all appreciate.

Pronounciation Index:
Shamesies - "Shame-Zees"


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